Murder Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
by Akai Sera
Summary: Meet Iris Hunter: A quick-witted, no nonsense officer newly transferred to the SBPD. She doubts Shawn's abilities from the start, and though she focuses mostly on her work and strangely accurate information, will spare a moment to shut him up. Now there's a serial killer on the loose, and this purple-haired officer may be just the bait to nab him with... if she'll agree to it...
1. Table for None

His case had hit a dead end, and Carlton Lassiter was stumped; and when Lassiter was stumped, that idiot Shawn Spencer would typically be waiting in the wings to drop one of his phony psychic episodes.

'_But not today,_' he assured himself with a smile. Today he was assigned to train some 20-something rookie from Florida. That meant his case would be suspended pending his return to the investigation, and there was nothing Spencer could prophesize that would make the Chief reopen it.

After a moment of triumph he frowned, recalling his last rookie. _'I swear, the next time they partner me with such an obviously inadequate officer, I'll put in my resignation!'_ He sighed, correcting himself. _Well, I'll request reassignment..._

According to the rookie's file, his name was Hunter. "First in his class at the academy, had a stint with the FBI. He was discharged from the Bureau and transferred to Santa Barbara a week ago... And according to my _watch,_ he's five minutes late."

Two seconds after his observation, his desk phone rang loudly, and Lassiter gave it a disapproving look. _'If that's Spencer...'_ He snatched the phone up and held the receiver to his ear, snapping, "Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Head Detective Carlton Lassiter."  
"Uh, this is Officer Hunter. I think you're expecting me?"

"Yes, and you're _extremely_ late." Tapping his foot irritably at the static-filled greeting, he didn't bother to tell the rookie that extremely in his vocabulary meant five to ten minutes. "Would you care to explain that to me?"

"Oh, yes sir. Well, I've been delayed by a... case development, I suppose. A woman in her 20s keeled over in the middle of this restaurant, and... Um, sir? Could you hold on a sec? One of your guys is here, it looks like. Well, two... I've called an ambulance already, but the Chief said I should have you with me on any scene, so could you haul a- er, come to the Henderson's cafe on twenty-third? Thanks, bye-"

The call was cut off before Lassiter had a chance to object, and he hung the phone up with a sigh. "Two of my guys, huh? Spencer, you better not pull my rookie into your psychic mumbo jumbo..."

At Henderson's, Shawn and Gus were making an inconspicuous entrance... well, Gus was trying to walk onto the crime scene inconspicuously, but Shawn was already giving the crowd a taste of his "Psychic vision," studying the vacated tables and evacuating diners and introducing himself loudly as 'Shawn Spencer, the head Psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department.'

"Psychic, huh? So who exactly _hired_ you as a psychic for the Department?" Shawn turned to the woman who'd addressed him. She was wearing a black short-sleeved police uniform with slacks, a nametag that read 'Hunter,' and an SBPD badge. As he studied her, preparing to fire back with a clever fact about her personality, he was distracted by her boy-short purple and blue hair. It was too sporadic in pattern to be streaked, and her eyebrows and roots were a light brown.

"Overdue on your monthly color and cut, officer Hunter? I'm going to trust my psychic abilities when they tell me you've just transferred here from Florida and will be celebrating your... twenty-sixth birthday in a week, the day before Valentine's Day. AND~ You're an avid reader of the mystery genre. I'm getting something... Flowers. Roses? No, too red. Lilies aren't it either. Lilacs? No, it's not an L... Iris! Speaking of which, yours appear to be different colors. One green eye and one blue? I'd say that's binary vision."

"It's called Heterochromia."

"Great, so you do like men! How about a-"

"Shut it, Spencer. Iris is my first name. It's obvious by the length and roots that I dye my hair regularly. There's a birthday card labeled 26, addressed to Iris Hunter, and postmarked two weeks ahead of the date on my table over there. There is also a charm on my key-chain with a silhouette of the state, and a receipt for a copy of Agatha Christie's complete works sitting on top of the plate from my pancakes. I'm surprised you didn't try to tell me that you 'Psychically knew' that I'm right handed and drink orange juice every morning. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to secure the scene."

She turned to leave as Shawn glanced at her hand, then put his fingers to his temples, calling, "Wait! I'm sensing an engagement... broken! A fiance, scorned by your skepticism!"

"Tan-line on my left ring finger, Spencer." Iris walked away with an annoyed sigh, and Gus put a hand on Shawn's shoulder. "You want me to get you some ice, Shawn?"

"Why- would I want ice at a time like this, Gus?"

Gus raised his eyebrows at his friend, shaking his head as Iris got back to work on securing the crime scene.  
"Because you just got seriously burned..."


	2. The Wrath of Ricardo Iris Montalban Khan

Shawn had decided to dislike Officer Hunter. She was cold and serious, and worst of all, she was onto his act. He'd introduced himself accordingly. "My name is William Kirk Shatner," he'd announced jokingly. Iris had frowned at him, replying, "You've already introduced yourself, Spencer." With a sigh at her inability to enjoy Star Trek references, he pointed at Gus, adding, "That is my associate, Leonard Nimoy Estevez Martinez Jon Raoul the Third. But you can call him Spock." Frowning yet again, she snapped, "If you've got nothing to add to this investigation, sit down and shut it. And goddammit, if you were going with Spanish names, Khan would have been a much better fit. Now get out of the way..."

Oh, so now she knew the reference! She hadn't even laughed. And she seemed to put no faith in his visions either. It wasn't fair! He'd been faking his way through investigations for three years, and even with Lassie's constant suspicions he'd managed to pull the wool over the eyes of the Santa Barbara Police Department for that long. It was with a measured frown that he watched Lassiter walk through the doors of the cafe. The scene had already been cleared of civilians by Hunter, and Shawn and Gus had been left to their own devices. Even so, they'd been ordered to stay clear of the body and not touch anything. Needless to say, Shawn had found himself a point just far enough from the table that it wouldn't bother the officer and started looking through her bag, which was still left beside the empty plate and glass of orange juice.

_Nothing unusual,_ he thought, studying a strawberry chapstick, a bottle of mace, a leather sling holster, and a folder labeled 'Vengeful Souls.' _Except everything. _He glanced at Iris, who was busy talking to Lassie, and stealthily opened the folder, taking a peek at its contents. There were only papers inside, and Shawn sighed at the sight of police reports and recorded phone-call scripts. He'd been hoping for something a little more interesting, given the intriguing title scrawled on the front of the folder. He slipped the documents back into Officer Hunter's bag, standing and trying to get a good look at the body so the show could start. But a body bag was already being transported to the waiting ambulance, and Lassiter and Hunter looked like they'd already decided on the cause of death. With a grin, he stood and ambled over to the duo.

"So what's the verdict, Lassie? And where's Jules? I was hoping she'd be here to witness me totally blow your theories out of the water once again." He looked around as though expecting her to arrive at any moment, enjoying the sight of Lassiter oh so calmly gritting his teeth and scowling at the false-psychic. "O'Hara was offered paid vacation while I train Officer Hunter. Once she's reinstated as a Detective, which should be in about two weeks, Hunter will be assigned a partner from a pool of transfers and O'Hara will come back to work. And Spencer, if we needed to tell you anything about this case, you'd already know it. This is none of your business, so go home and play with your Clue set."

"Hey, don't diss Clue, Lassie! That game trained me more thoroughly for catching criminals than all the true crime shows I've watched combined! Including Cops!" Countering Lassiter's annoyed frown with a smirk, he added, "And from Clue, I know that this crime was committed by Colonel Mustard, in the cafe, with... poison." Shawn grinned as Lassie shook his head and sighed, "You do know that there is no one named Colonel Mustard, correct Spencer?" With a shrug, the 'psychic' put a finger to his eyebrow, replying, "Yes, but there is a suspect. He was weaving through the crowd in a hurry. He wore a yellow jacket, so I assumed in this game he was the Colonel. Though at this point Colonel Sanders could be just as suspect, since the woman's meal was poisoned."

Iris shook her head, interrupting what was about to become an argument with a well timed, "That's ridiculous. First of all, I noticed the woman just before she collapsed. She'd taken a sip of what turned out to be tea from her thermos, then fell. It was the first time she'd opened it, and the man with the yellow jacket was on the other side of the cafe. We sent the thermos to the lab, so if it comes up positive for poison, you've got one out of three, Spencer."

"Call me Shawn. Then there's a chance of friendship in the future that sadly Lassie and I missed out on.

"Not likely, Kirk." The short-haired officer quickly added, "The poisoning couldn't have occurred in the building, which means it had to be done between her filling the thermos at home and her arrival. By the tight seal it seemed to have and the reaction, I'd say it was potassium cyanide, added soon after the tea, likely in her home. We've got an ID on the victim, and we'll find out if she had any 'family troubles' that may have started this. That means you can go home and play Clue with Leonard over there."

Gus meanwhile was trying to decide whether Iris would kick him in the teeth if he suggested a weekend coffee meetup. Despite her constant frown, lack of makeup, and generally annoyed tone, she was an attractive woman. Pale, slim but muscular, and with charcoal lashes, she could have been a side character in an action movie or police drama. He admitted that Iris was a little too serious and gender-ambiguous for a lead role with Hollywood's standards, then found himself wondering what he was even thinking... Usually, he'd be sidling up to a girl and giving her his signature smile. But Hunter was intimidating, and Gus decided against flirting with her. After all, he wasn't the type to go after every semi-attractive girl he met... really. Also, if Shawn had been right about the engagement ring, there was also the possibility of ex-fiance drama, and he didn't want any part of that.

"Hey, Spock! It's time to head out. I've got all the information I need," Shawn said loudly, turning to look at Lassie as he left the restaurant. "Let's leave this case totally to the police!"

As the two headed out, Iris and Gus both asked their partners if Shawn had meant it. In unison, Shawn and Lassiter answered, "Not a chance."


End file.
